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Flavertex's avatar

My whole life I have been haunted by slavery to choice. I feel, to the dismay of my good sense, that I must "get it right" or "God will punish me." So I have obsessively weighed and measured between religion and irreligion, between different religions, and then between different denominations of Christianity, and now I return again to my native Catholicism but with the siren call of Orthodoxy seeming, to my eyes, as more honest, more holy, more real, more genuine, and more true. But I am stupefied that, to choose to leave my native tradition, is to put me in the position of one who chooses and who does not know how he knows what he knows (if I feel that Orthodoxy is more true, does this justify conversion? Am I justified in choosing this for myself, as an island?). Moreover, I do not even know if I truly do know truly what I thinks that I knows, and indeed it seems that each and every day I am drawn either to enter the seminary for Catholicism or to convert and become Orthodox. What a dichotomy! And how frequently I deliberate and am drawn in this direction and that! For my entire life I have hated the Catholic Church, I have had a fire in my heart against it as a father whom I looked for to feed me bread, but he gave me rocks instead. I would both love and loathe to return to it: I have in all practical ways done so, but in my heart a fire of great hatred burns against the "gratuitous abuse of infinite power justified with arbitrary authority." I have seen in the Catholic Church the very authority which you here condemn as that deception of the Serpent: but is this the fault of the Church, or the Serpent? Are my eyes polarized still between master and slave?

This is a deeply personal reflection, I know it's a bit much as a response and I certainly don't except a solution. But, this article really strikes me where I am right now and I wanted to express that it's all-encompassing breadth is a fertile testament to your faith, and an inspiration to mine, even if mine is mired in the slavery of choice, and of feeling the need to choose.

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Beniy Waisanen's avatar

Thank you for this work! I look forward to reading it carefully. My battered copy of Fr. Alexander's diary is sitting right next to me.

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